Mrs. Mueller took to Facebook to share the sad news writing;
“Yesterday evening we had to hand over our precious child and say goodbye to his physical body forever”
The Story
I can't begin to say thank you for the outpour of love and support from so many people. Our lives have been changed forever in so many ways but I am realizing we are not the only ones suffering the loss of Emersyn. It is a profound experience to see how many people are mourning with us. Your prayers are what are getting us through and it means so unbelievably much to us.
I know many people want to understand how and why this happened. What was the reason? Do you have any answers? It makes me feel better to talk about it and to share our experience. I want people to know the story so they can also go through grieving of their own.
Thursday I was so busy prepping for our upcoming event that I wasn't paying attention to baby movement, but who truly does when you've been this far along 3 times before and everything has been completely normal. By evening I began to realize I had not felt baby move much and had contractions that felt different than any I have had before. It almost seemed like he moved upward into my body as well. I would push on my stomach and feel him move inside me but it didn't seem it was the type of movement I normally feel. I just told myself he was sleeping but as the time passed, I felt uneasy about it and used our doppler to find the heartbeat. I didn't seem to find a beat I was happy with, as I really thought what I heard was mine but wanted to hold onto the hope everything was okay. After I laid the children down I tried again with the doppler but the same result. However, I would get contractions on and off, which was normal for me, and that felt like he was possibly moving inside me.
Around 2:30am I woke up and was completely unsettled with the lack of elbows and knees I had been feeling. I woke up Ryan and we tried to find a heartbeat together. He tried to feel my pulse to compare it to the doppler but it was really hard to discern the difference. We agreed if I didn't begin to feel a definite kicking, that we would go in the morning to the hospital.
That morning I remember calling my midwife's office and thinking I was just going to be that oversensitive pregnant woman that found out she's being paranoid and nothing is wrong. When I spoke to the OB on call, he encouraged me to go get checked just for reassurance. I'm glad he did because I still felt I just needed to give it time but knew in my heart something was wrong.
We arrived at the maternity ward in Barberton, the hospital we did his ultrasound at since it is closer than where my mifwide attends. I truly thought we would be sent home with a smile, telling us to just wait for the arrival of our sweet Emersyn, who was due in 6 days.
I remember thinking it felt strange to dress myself in a gown in front of the nurses but giving birth sort of breaks you in on these things; I then laid in the bed with our youngest son, Westyn. My husband stood next to me with our daughter and our oldest son had already been at school. The nurses put a monitor on me and tried to find a heartbeat. They moved it, added more gel, moved it again...found my heartbeat and put a monitor on my finger to compare the beats. They tried and tried. I finally asked them, you can't find the heartbeat? The nurses tried comforting me, telling me to just wait as it seemed more and more of them came into the room. Tears streamed down my face and breathing started to become difficult. They asked for them to retrieve the Dr on call. I remember his presence, his walk, the way he grabbed the gel from the nurse's hand, the ultrasound. Every detail of that moment is forever sketched into my mind and I cannot stop replaying it. Dr. Sutter sat on my right side looking at the screen and turned to me and said, "Your baby has passed."
I can't and don't want to explain that feeling to anyone. Turning to your husband and seeing him die inside. Seeing him completely break. Seeing your children feel and suffer your pain in front of your eyes. The pain is unbearable. The Dr. encouraged me to look at the screen and I wished I hadn't. I wished I could remove the imagine in my mind of seeing the unbeating black, lifeless heart on the screen. From this moment the hospital did everything they could to get us out as soon a possible so we could go home and grieve and think about what we needed to do next. I wish all of that was a blur. I wish I could say I don't remember any of it but I do. And the moments of our family coming to us and us confirming the devastating news. Our baby has died. Our baby will never come home with us. This wonderful rainbow baby we were blessed with has now become a storm in our lives. But this was much bigger, deeper, felt in a much greater way than anyone can ever understand. Believe me, I hope you never do. And if you have, please reach out to me as I need to create a network of love around me right now and know we can move on.
I think the most horrible thing happened next. Finding out your baby died is unfathomable. Learning you have to be induced and deliver your deceased child is way beyond that. My heart instantly ached for any woman that has told me she had a stillborn. How could I have never truly understood how horrible this was? How could I have never thought about these women who suffered in the way I was experiencing now? I feel selfish for never doing everything I could for any family who has told me about this. My heart aches for you and I am sorry we have both had this experience.
When we got home I remembered the envelope the hospital had given us with the gender of our baby. At this point it no longer felt right to us to keep it a surprise. We wanted to know who we were mourning for and to know what to name him. Ryan, Cadyn and I opened the envelope together and learned we were having a sweet baby boy. The name I told the ultrasound tech I liked was written on the image as well and we agreed that Emersyn Jacob was the name he was given by God and that is what it needed to be.
We arrived at the hospital around noon. Forcing yourself to walk into the hospital knowing what you are about to experience is the most horrifying feeling in the world. I was given pitocin and sat in the bed, unbearably waiting for the ultimate outcome: delivering our sweet boy. This is when Sufficient Grace Ministries entered our lives. I cannot begin to explain what they did for us through the two days of suffering. We were not alone. We were loved. Emersyn was loved. We did not have to do this by ourselves and learn on our own the process of what happens next. We were provided two birth doulas trained in bereavement who have had their own losses and were equipped to walk us through every step of the way. They had an answer for every question we asked, whether it was what we wanted to hear or not.
They supported not only me but my husband. They stayed with us from beginning to end at the cost of absolutely nothing. They dropped their lives, their weekend and their memories with their family to come with us and help us through ours. I cannot begin to explain how unbelievably thankful we are that this ministry was created. It is only in Ohio currently, although they do reach out to bordering states and send materials all over the United States. After Emersyn was born they did foot prints on many keepsake items, gave us a comfort bear, did newborn photography and provided so many amazing memories for us that it felt like we had Emersyn for a day; for one day we got to give him all of us and to do important things that mattered. My heart was able to begin healing from this, from meeting women that have gone through the pain, from having these experiences and feeling more people love our sweet baby.
I have so much more to say about our experience, our amazing midwife and the phenomenal nurses we met. They all cried with us. Every. Single. One. Each individual that met us was deeply affected by our loss. They all touched Emersyn, felt him, let him know he was important. My birthing experience was truly amazing and I am thankful for the way he entered the world. You could not deny he was loved by so many people and we continue to see this through the outpour of love and support you all are providing.
We were torn between keeping the placenta to bury ourselves and sending it for testing. Ultimately, we sent it for testing and decided to have a small chance for an answer but we have been prepared to learn that we will most likely never know. If my intuition serves me right, I have a very strong feeling that this was a blood clotting issue as those traits have been affecting our immediate family for some time. My next of kin have suffered miscarriages due to this disorder so it would make sense we could go through it as well. It may not be confirmed to be so but in my deepest thoughts, I feel it to be true.
Thank you for all of those who have called, texted, messaged us. Thank you for the donations to relieve our financial burden while my husband is home trying to learn our new normal. Thank you for the meal train, the food that has shown up on our doorstep, the continuous prayers. Just knowing people are thinking about us and hurting with us relieves so much of our own pain.
Yesterday evening we had to hand over our precious child and say goodbye to his physical body forever. The deep pit created in your soul is more than anyone can imagine but God has given us a small ray of light that helped me get through this dreadful experience. There is a machine called a cuddle cot which is a cooling device for babies that have passed away. It allows the parents to have more time with the physical body while they mourn their loss. One was donated to our birthing center and Emersyn was the first baby to use it (fortunately). Somehow, down the grapevine, the mother who was able to get this machine donated to the hospital was told it was finally being used. Her daughter, Victoria, was finally serving a purpose for another family, although in a very tragic way. I remember seeing the donation plaque on the machine and immediately prayed for that family and their experience of losing a child. It is not something you ever wish anyone to experience. However, I received a friend request from someone with the same last name as on that plaque and I immediately connected the two and reached out. I was able to give this mother the reassurance her daughter's life was meaningful and helped us through the worst days of our lives. I am so thankful she had that experience and it was an awakening to me that Emersyn, too, will be serving a purpose for someone else. What we have gone through was not in vain and the Lord Almighty will lead us on our path to heal and learn his journey.
Just as you do not know the path of the wind and how bones are formed in the womb of the pregnant woman, so you do not know the activity of God who makes all things. Ecclesiastes 11:5
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